The pain of silent tears

I type as I sit on my plane ride back home. With my sunglasses on, and eyes closed as tight as I can, my face is still covered in hot tears. I am so tired and sleep deprived from the wedding I attended last night,  I can’t care less about what my face will look like upon my arrival.  No one will be there to greet me, not today. So, who cares. I am just another homesick passenger,  right?
I just said goodbye -again- to my beloved mother.  No matter how many weeks or months it will be til our next get together, it ALWAYS hurts as hell to let go off that last hug, the smell of her skin, the feel of her soft velvety skin. I absolutely hate it. As much as the sound of suitcases rolling down the halls.
As I have mentioned before in this blog, I have been more closely related to situations of sickness,  of loss, and now more recently of family feuds that have not ended well. All of it, making me more conscious about the frailty of life, about the importance of showing our feelings,  our love, our admiration and respect towards others- today. About really living fully,  with no regrets.

I guess that is why every trip I take to see my loved ones lately, I truly give my self, my time and my attention to the “now”. But then, the withdrawal hurts even more. A price worth paying though.  A pain worth feeling, hot tears worth crying.
I have seen more than a few people broken up because their loved ones left this world and things between them were not resolved, feelings not shown, kinds words not spoken, apologies never offered. That must be a heavy burden to carry. For a while now I have made it my personal goal to never end a day without ironing out an emotional wrinkle that is bothering me, or could be bothering another.
I want to believe I am doing ok in this regard. I just have a bit of an obstacle that makes this goal a bumpy road at times.
A very difficult case of codependency,  very close to my heart, haunts me every single day. An emotional roller coaster: hold grudges? No, forgive and let go; criticize and judge? No! Understand and have compassion. Not care and look away? Or have empathy and offer a listening  ear and a crying shoulder?

The only thing stronger and harder  than the urge to eat chocolate and resist, is to stay in control of my feelings and impulses when it comes to this  codependency. I pray that I never regret something I said, or didn’t dare to.

It could sound humorous,  comparing my chocolate addiction, to my codependency with an alcoholic,  but I believe in the end, all our weaknesses and addictive behavior reflect a part of us that we struggle with.
Some people shop, some overeat, some pick on their skin, I eat chocolate.
Yet, I want to believe that building an awareness within myself on how to be an honest person, to not be shy to complement, to hug, to offer a helping hand, to say I am sorry, will help me feel less need devouring my 70% cacao bars. Balance…that is the key. I can do it, I  know I can, ’cause it feels so good to be healthy in the heart,  the spirit and the body, and if added to that, it puts a smile in someone’s face, it just makes it all better.
I feel this attitude has made me more patient and affectionate with my 2 beautiful kids…and, little by little, I  have seen this love and affection make its way back to me, and I just love it. It is a full circle happening in front of my eyes.
Sometimes I do wonder how many years I have left, how many trips with my family, how many meals together, no one knows, we just don’t.
Some days it is hard to live like it is your last, some days it is easier. It is a bit depressing to think about it, but it does make a difference to “seize the day”.
-From the movie Dead Poets Society , so so true…

One thought on “The pain of silent tears

  1. Priscila,,,You are blessed with a beautiful soul, with a wonderful mommy and a no-nonsense clear view of life…I was with you on that plane back from Monterrey and I cried with you too…Don’t stop loving, don’t’ stop dreaming, dont’t stop writing.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s