mental-health

Empty Nester – Nine Months Later…

~ luvchoc71 ~ Leave a comment

I try not to write product reviews soon after using a new item, but instead I usually wait a few weeks or months after the “shiny new toy” feeling passes. Then I write an honest and objective review. Same now, with my Empty Nesting experience, I want to share it a full school year after it all started back in August 2025.

Close friends of mine who have sent their kids to college to the East Coast, or other towns where a visit is too long of a drive, have experienced some serious emptiness in their “nests”; I have seen them cry, vent, feel nostalgic or just plain miserable. I am happy to report, that is not my case. The fact that both kids chose campuses that are less than a 2 Hour Drive has made a huge difference in the way I feel, every single day. A weekend visit is a possibility, a surprise visit too. Theatre tickets as an excuse to go see them? Of course! Why not?

But it is a feeling that is lingering, it floats in the air of our home, it’s like a sweet possibility and yet, sometimes a full month or two (and that is a stretch) can pass without seeing neither of them. I have finally learned to shop for two and cook for two, but it took me months. Just today I went to Trader Joes, and I stood there in front of the dozen choices of apple varieties an presentations; I realized, rather sadly, that I am not the mom that buys the bag with 8 apples anymore. I bought three. For dinner, today I thawed 3 chicken thighs, and roasted one potato…ONE POTATO! Cubed and seasoned so it looked like more, but I have never in my married years cooked one potato!

I have to admit, the feeling of cooking just enough and having no leftovers can feel damn good; it is like a culinary accomplishment for me.

During the school year that just ended, both kids lived in apartments with their own kitchens; it felt nice to get their calls in the beginning, asking for cooking directions or ideas or even to listen to them vent about studying, preparing for exams, cooking, cleaning and doing laundry…wondering…How are they supposed to do it all? And of course, how to manage a monthly budget.

All my nagging about not leaving dirty dishes in the sink here at home (I used to leave them Post It notes next do the sink “NO DIRTY DISHES HERE”) served its purpose. They learned and became responsible adults that respect other’s spaces and called home more than once to complain that “…their roommates where leaving dirty dishes in the sink!” Mission accomplished…

My son decided to adopt a cat and take it with him to his new place and has served as a companion in more ways that any of us thought. Needless to say, the cat and our dog, do NOT get along, and I am a more of a dog person, so the cat and I keep our distance and don’t even bother with pleasantries. He loves destroying my plants so every time he visits, me bedroom turns into a nursery, where my plants are safe.

Whenever they visited for a weekend, I did love and enjoy the sounds and scents of their presence. My son’s cologne, his many many “Mom, did you know that…”- like when he was younger, except now he is sharing all this newfound ideologies and concepts from College Classes. My daughter’s zillion hair skin and hair products that make her leave a floral trail wherever she walks into. Her soft singing and humming that can be heard through her bedroom wall. Her laugh.

Those weekends visits filled me with happiness and a honest desire to be at their service- which they kindly declined saying…”Mom , you are not our servant”. Little do they know that making them even just breakfast made me feel so good as a mom again, and found it so obviously (to me) caring and loving. But they have slowly learned to have their own space and I can tell I could easily overwhelm them with my need to embrace them: kisses and hugs and my eternal “so tell me….how is….(this or that)”. So, reluctantly, I have learned to take (a few) steps back.

They have both been through rough patches with school work load, loneliness, homesickness and just plain exhaustion. And they know I am always here for them, just a call (or video call!) away. We are lucky -us living in this day and age-, with so much technology available to us, to be present and help them when they need us.

My life hasn’t really changed much. I have been seeing friends more often; I like planning activities and staying busy, but I can just as well stay in and binge a new show with my fury princess by my lap or read a book. I have also found it easier to exercise more and cook whatever I need to comply with somewhat new diet I am trying to follow.

Going through menopause hasn’t been as bad as some friends have had it, but I did notice that my body was growing and re-distributing its weight in places that are totally not ok. It feels at times like there is some invisible body designer out there making decisions on what you are going to look like, no questions asked or approvals requested; all while sending hot flash waves randomly, day and night.

So this year, I decided to have a say in this menopause business and work diligently against the invisible body designer that was making me feel so unhappy for a couple of years now. I sought advise from a good friend that is an expert in wellness and nutrition AND menopause, and learned to move, eat and think differently. As of today, I have lost 12 pounds, but more than the weight, I am trying to build muscle, since women my age tend to loose it, and fast. My kids, who are both very disciplined when they have a goal (diet or exercise specially), have been important and helpful cheering me on and giving me complements while navigating this road that feels like swimming against the current.

The dreaded Empty Nest can make you feel old; walking your ageing dog to a park were you once used to take your little ones can also do that. Buying 3 apples and cooking a single potato….yup, it does that too.

What can we do? Stay young as much as possible! Stay active, go out, meditate, keep a gratitude journal, seek friends, strengthen friend an family bonds, learn a new skill (or go back to one you loved). In my case, all these things are what keeps me going: strong, proud and happy to see the results of many years of upbringing: fighting with the kids over house rules, patience when I wanted to pull my hair out, tears out of hurt and frustration when they where teenagers. Yes, there will be tough days too when you miss them like hell and wonder: where did the time go? But time is here, it is now, in every morning we are lucky to wake up and get out of bed, in every minute of our conversations, or problem solving, every minute of listening to a friend in need of our ears.

Empty nest or not, I am trying to enjoy this time, because it is a gift. Tomorrow, June 8th will be a thing of the past. Today, I reached out to whoever is reading this and I am feeling good about it. I have a lot to learn still from this experience but I am determined to make it good, positive and even fun!

Countdown to… Empty Nesting :/

~ luvchoc71 ~ 1 Comment

My husband left last night to his book club monthly meeting; my son went out to SD with his girlfriend and my daughter went out with friends to play pickle ball.

The beef stew that I had planned for dinner sat in the crock pot on the WARM setting for anyone that was hungry for dinner. And so we ate at different times.

I found myself feeling a bit lonely and at the same time embracing my soon-to-be status of an Empty Nester.

I have prepared for this for over 2 years now. Joining a  book club.  Makings new friends, going out more, alone sometimes if no one is available. 

Also, learning to drink wine with the help of my wine connoisseur friends. After all…I live in Wine Country!

Yet…the tough realization of being where I am hits hard at times.

So as I finished my dinner I decided to take our beloved dog for a nice long walk to a green grassy park down in town.

In our neighborhood there’s nothing but dirt,  dry thorny weeds and roadkill next to the roads. That’s  the thing about living in the boonies.

So down we went and parked by a beautiful neighborhood, where plenty of young families live.

It was that time of day when kids go out on their little bikes and teenagers on their e-scooters. Young parents pushing strollers while others watched their kids run around in the playgrounds with slides and monkey bars.

I suddenly felt old, walking my 8yr old dog, with my grays showing because I haven’t had time for a root touch up and my knees popping a bit with every step I took. My back hurting as I bent over to clean up after my dog.

The whole scene brought back so many memories: my husband teaching the kids how to ride a bike and how to fly a kite. Many picnics at the park, play dates with friends (some of which are still friends now in College)

Did I take them out enough? Did I hug them enough and told them how much happiness they have brought to my life?

This September they will both be gone to College. And despite the fact that they will live within a couple of hours of us,  there will be no dinner time with 4 at the table, no breakfast with them as I see them off to school or work.

No  more music and soft singing through my bedroom wall , like when my daughter is singing to her favorite songs late at night when she get home or when she is getting ready to go out.

Or the blender noise from my son making protein shakes who has an amazing will power.

No more whining (me) about dirty dishes in the sink or stove, will I miss that? 

They haven’t left and I already miss them sometimes. 

How does this happen so fast? It is unbelievably sudden, almost unfair how time feels like a breeze.

In many ways I truly feel like I am just starting to learn some parenting skills, how to be a better mom, how to listen and be respectful and how to understand their ways and views, how to not underestimate their capabilities, their smarts, their skills.

And now I  feel like I don’t get to practice and keep learning with them.

But I trust that I can find ways, even from a distance. 

This year, for my birthday I asked the whole family to take a trip together, because we haven’t in years. 

I know this trip will be memorable. It’s one of the last summers before they turn into committed busy adults with jobs and other responsibilities, so I will treasure it for sure. 

At the airport as we were waiting to board I saw all the young moms with strollers, diaper bags, toys and purses trying to balance everything while keeping  a loving and patient demeanor.

Of course it reminded me of all those trips I took travelling with and without my husband with 2 little ones so close together in age that people sometimes asked if they were twins. Just using the restroom was a hassle with all the belongings!

Now, I booked the emergency  row so that my very tall family has leg room on the plane, while I sit one row behind and watch our kids all grown, reading books and watching movies. My son carrying  my suitcase like a gentleman, because he is constantly making sure I don’t hurt my back.

I feel like I am right in the middle of crossing over to that milestone. 

Their milestone and ours as parents when we watch them leave, experiment,  make mistakes, make friends, get hurt, succeed, cook, burn food, burn hours of sleepless nights and everything else that will come with “adulting”.

We are headed to Seattle. We have never been. I tried planning these 5 days with things that are appealing to all or most of us.

I am hoping it goes well and everyone enjoys themselves. 

Rain is in the forecast  but I don’t really care. It has turned into a joy: to smell the wet earth and breathing the clean air afterwards.

It is a treat, since we live in desert-type weather. 

Empty nesting: this phase sure reminds me of how important it it to learn to be happy with yourself, that’s it.  Be self-reliant and truly independent. 

I trust it will teach me more about my children, my husband and our marriage  and myself. 

Call, don’t text.

~ luvchoc71 ~ 1 Comment

It is well know that stress is the culprit of many unhealthy conditions, as is depression (even in a non-clinical undiagnosed form). The loneliness epidemic that millions of people are experiencing these days has led to an increase in mental and physical health conditions, something that baffles me: there are so many of us in this world, and often times we are so close to each other, and yet the loneliness is there, and in some cases, getting worse.

I believe trying to figure out why this is happening is complex and in a way , controversial, and I am no expert in human behavior, but what I do know for a fact, is that the younger generations ( I am currently 52) have a rather different way of communicating with each other than I personally did when I was a kid and even an adolescent.

As much as my kids will hate me for saying this, technology plays a huge roll in these changing patterns of communication and behavior. Today I find myself texting my kids to ask what they want for dinner, or who wants to go to the movies! We as parents (some of us at least) can easily fall into that same “new way” of communication. Same goes for discipline, my Mom and Dad would yell at me when I misbehaved – or missed my curfew as a teenager, in person, no notes or letters or calls – 3 pm or 3am, it didn’t matter. These different ways of expressing ourselves and communicating with each other today have lead to a discomfort or awkwardness -for lack of better words- when it comes to wanting to talk face to face with a friend, coworker or your own kid…or even worse, your partner/spouse.

Looking back, I think of my generation (80s and 90s kids) and remember how we had to say things (verbally most of the time). Things that were hard, or embarrassing or sad. Or even being mean to a friend, you were mean to their face. Along with those face to face conversations was bravery in some degree, but also the empathy we learned by looking at the face or the receiving end of our words. It was clear when someone was being nice, or mean, or mocking you or truly admiring you. Today, I find that it can be hard (or impossible sometimes) to read peoples tones or intentions in a text or email. Younger kids can get confused with what they read: blurred lines between sarcasm, jokes, honesty or true words being read in a text.

I have never stopped encouraging my kids to talk to people, to call, not text. To visit, to plan lunches / dinners with people they care for or might need a friend when going through tough times, but I can tell sometimes it uncomfortable for them…or like they’d say “that’s weird Mom”.

I don’t believe Technology is the only contributor to this new way of communicating (or not communicating); our lifestyles and often too rushed. I know I am not alone when I say there are days when I feel like a mouse on a spinning wheel; always running: work! work! work!… to payout mortgages and bills, to offer our children a comfortable life -as best as we can- and if we are lucky, afford a trip every now and then. But it never ends, it can easily become our “normal” and we only come to an occasional stop when we realize we are tired of the spinning wheel and desperately need a break. This unhealthy lifestyle can also contribute to isolation, when what we could really use, is a friend. A friend we can talk to, not text. A hug, a listening ear. But we find ourselves so tired of running, that we refuse to find time for it.

Everyday, I find myself more overwhelmed with so many apps and chats that I need to catch up with to learn about what is going on; and here’s the not-so-fun thing: if you do decide to unplug for a while and disconnect yourself form all of it, you will -for sure- miss out on information as serious as…your friend’s mom died. Last month this happened to me. I called a friend to say hello, and 3 weeks had passed since her Mom died: I was completely clueless. “I posted it on Facebook”-she said. (like I said before….the new normal)

So, I guess they key is…find the sweet spot, the balance where you can have face to face conversations with your kids and friends and keep up with Technology as well.

I have high hopes that when our future generations are overwhelmed with what my Chiropractic calls “text neck” and “texting thumb” pain (yes, it’s a thing) , at least in the social arena, we will slowly revert to calling our loved ones more often. Maybe then, some of this loneliness epidemic will be a thing of the past.

For now….I will say this: a text can’t replace a call, where you can share laughter and emotions, and sometimes, that’s exactly what we need.

I would love to know your thoughts on this, so feel free to leave me a note on how you feel about this.