family

Countdown to… Empty Nesting :/

~ luvchoc71 ~ 1 Comment

My husband left last night to his book club monthly meeting; my son went out to SD with his girlfriend and my daughter went out with friends to play pickle ball.

The beef stew that I had planned for dinner sat in the crock pot on the WARM setting for anyone that was hungry for dinner. And so we ate at different times.

I found myself feeling a bit lonely and at the same time embracing my soon-to-be status of an Empty Nester.

I have prepared for this for over 2 years now. Joining a  book club.  Makings new friends, going out more, alone sometimes if no one is available. 

Also, learning to drink wine with the help of my wine connoisseur friends. After all…I live in Wine Country!

Yet…the tough realization of being where I am hits hard at times.

So as I finished my dinner I decided to take our beloved dog for a nice long walk to a green grassy park down in town.

In our neighborhood there’s nothing but dirt,  dry thorny weeds and roadkill next to the roads. That’s  the thing about living in the boonies.

So down we went and parked by a beautiful neighborhood, where plenty of young families live.

It was that time of day when kids go out on their little bikes and teenagers on their e-scooters. Young parents pushing strollers while others watched their kids run around in the playgrounds with slides and monkey bars.

I suddenly felt old, walking my 8yr old dog, with my grays showing because I haven’t had time for a root touch up and my knees popping a bit with every step I took. My back hurting as I bent over to clean up after my dog.

The whole scene brought back so many memories: my husband teaching the kids how to ride a bike and how to fly a kite. Many picnics at the park, play dates with friends (some of which are still friends now in College)

Did I take them out enough? Did I hug them enough and told them how much happiness they have brought to my life?

This September they will both be gone to College. And despite the fact that they will live within a couple of hours of us,  there will be no dinner time with 4 at the table, no breakfast with them as I see them off to school or work.

No  more music and soft singing through my bedroom wall , like when my daughter is singing to her favorite songs late at night when she get home or when she is getting ready to go out.

Or the blender noise from my son making protein shakes who has an amazing will power.

No more whining (me) about dirty dishes in the sink or stove, will I miss that? 

They haven’t left and I already miss them sometimes. 

How does this happen so fast? It is unbelievably sudden, almost unfair how time feels like a breeze.

In many ways I truly feel like I am just starting to learn some parenting skills, how to be a better mom, how to listen and be respectful and how to understand their ways and views, how to not underestimate their capabilities, their smarts, their skills.

And now I  feel like I don’t get to practice and keep learning with them.

But I trust that I can find ways, even from a distance. 

This year, for my birthday I asked the whole family to take a trip together, because we haven’t in years. 

I know this trip will be memorable. It’s one of the last summers before they turn into committed busy adults with jobs and other responsibilities, so I will treasure it for sure. 

At the airport as we were waiting to board I saw all the young moms with strollers, diaper bags, toys and purses trying to balance everything while keeping  a loving and patient demeanor.

Of course it reminded me of all those trips I took travelling with and without my husband with 2 little ones so close together in age that people sometimes asked if they were twins. Just using the restroom was a hassle with all the belongings!

Now, I booked the emergency  row so that my very tall family has leg room on the plane, while I sit one row behind and watch our kids all grown, reading books and watching movies. My son carrying  my suitcase like a gentleman, because he is constantly making sure I don’t hurt my back.

I feel like I am right in the middle of crossing over to that milestone. 

Their milestone and ours as parents when we watch them leave, experiment,  make mistakes, make friends, get hurt, succeed, cook, burn food, burn hours of sleepless nights and everything else that will come with “adulting”.

We are headed to Seattle. We have never been. I tried planning these 5 days with things that are appealing to all or most of us.

I am hoping it goes well and everyone enjoys themselves. 

Rain is in the forecast  but I don’t really care. It has turned into a joy: to smell the wet earth and breathing the clean air afterwards.

It is a treat, since we live in desert-type weather. 

Empty nesting: this phase sure reminds me of how important it it to learn to be happy with yourself, that’s it.  Be self-reliant and truly independent. 

I trust it will teach me more about my children, my husband and our marriage  and myself. 

Call, don’t text.

~ luvchoc71 ~ 1 Comment

It is well know that stress is the culprit of many unhealthy conditions, as is depression (even in a non-clinical undiagnosed form). The loneliness epidemic that millions of people are experiencing these days has led to an increase in mental and physical health conditions, something that baffles me: there are so many of us in this world, and often times we are so close to each other, and yet the loneliness is there, and in some cases, getting worse.

I believe trying to figure out why this is happening is complex and in a way , controversial, and I am no expert in human behavior, but what I do know for a fact, is that the younger generations ( I am currently 52) have a rather different way of communicating with each other than I personally did when I was a kid and even an adolescent.

As much as my kids will hate me for saying this, technology plays a huge roll in these changing patterns of communication and behavior. Today I find myself texting my kids to ask what they want for dinner, or who wants to go to the movies! We as parents (some of us at least) can easily fall into that same “new way” of communication. Same goes for discipline, my Mom and Dad would yell at me when I misbehaved – or missed my curfew as a teenager, in person, no notes or letters or calls – 3 pm or 3am, it didn’t matter. These different ways of expressing ourselves and communicating with each other today have lead to a discomfort or awkwardness -for lack of better words- when it comes to wanting to talk face to face with a friend, coworker or your own kid…or even worse, your partner/spouse.

Looking back, I think of my generation (80s and 90s kids) and remember how we had to say things (verbally most of the time). Things that were hard, or embarrassing or sad. Or even being mean to a friend, you were mean to their face. Along with those face to face conversations was bravery in some degree, but also the empathy we learned by looking at the face or the receiving end of our words. It was clear when someone was being nice, or mean, or mocking you or truly admiring you. Today, I find that it can be hard (or impossible sometimes) to read peoples tones or intentions in a text or email. Younger kids can get confused with what they read: blurred lines between sarcasm, jokes, honesty or true words being read in a text.

I have never stopped encouraging my kids to talk to people, to call, not text. To visit, to plan lunches / dinners with people they care for or might need a friend when going through tough times, but I can tell sometimes it uncomfortable for them…or like they’d say “that’s weird Mom”.

I don’t believe Technology is the only contributor to this new way of communicating (or not communicating); our lifestyles and often too rushed. I know I am not alone when I say there are days when I feel like a mouse on a spinning wheel; always running: work! work! work!… to payout mortgages and bills, to offer our children a comfortable life -as best as we can- and if we are lucky, afford a trip every now and then. But it never ends, it can easily become our “normal” and we only come to an occasional stop when we realize we are tired of the spinning wheel and desperately need a break. This unhealthy lifestyle can also contribute to isolation, when what we could really use, is a friend. A friend we can talk to, not text. A hug, a listening ear. But we find ourselves so tired of running, that we refuse to find time for it.

Everyday, I find myself more overwhelmed with so many apps and chats that I need to catch up with to learn about what is going on; and here’s the not-so-fun thing: if you do decide to unplug for a while and disconnect yourself form all of it, you will -for sure- miss out on information as serious as…your friend’s mom died. Last month this happened to me. I called a friend to say hello, and 3 weeks had passed since her Mom died: I was completely clueless. “I posted it on Facebook”-she said. (like I said before….the new normal)

So, I guess they key is…find the sweet spot, the balance where you can have face to face conversations with your kids and friends and keep up with Technology as well.

I have high hopes that when our future generations are overwhelmed with what my Chiropractic calls “text neck” and “texting thumb” pain (yes, it’s a thing) , at least in the social arena, we will slowly revert to calling our loved ones more often. Maybe then, some of this loneliness epidemic will be a thing of the past.

For now….I will say this: a text can’t replace a call, where you can share laughter and emotions, and sometimes, that’s exactly what we need.

I would love to know your thoughts on this, so feel free to leave me a note on how you feel about this.

This one is for me…on Mother’s Day

~ luvchoc71 ~ 1 Comment

I closed my eyes tonight and remembered so clearly when my son was around 2 or 3.
I’d fill the tub with soapy warm water…I can still remember the scent of the water.

Bath time was a time of playing with bath toys…of making silly hairstyles with foam and water. Of chatting non stop about the ‘why this’ and ‘why that’. Long simple conversations with the occasional cute grammar mistakes.

When it was time to get out…I’d get the cute towels with the hooded corner wrap around his head…with embroidered ducks or bears….or whales.

I remember Enya or something relaxing playing in the background, while I got him dry and dressed warmly in a onesie or a cute themed pajama set.
I would brush his thick hair and part it perfectly on one side.

Bed time stories were just as precious. Weather it was the Magic Tree house series (we read all 40+ books) or Frog and Toad; all those adventures we read together were like the magical part of the day.
My husband and I would take turns between him and our daughter…so we would have that special time…one on one with both kids separately.

One time, my son got in trouble and his consequence was…he would have to read to himself that night.
It hurt me more than him as I really treasured those evenings.

As I walked past his room to read to his sister, he looked at me with begging eyes and said
..”will you read to me mama?”

Tonight I am in bed, reading a book as these memories come flooding back. What triggered them? I don’t know…but I feel as if I close me eyes and remember, then those days won’t seem like they are drifting farther and farther as time goes by, everyday seeming more blurry and distant…because that hurts.

Just as clearly I remember when my daughter was under a year old and at night I would breast feed her in her small cozy room with dimmed lights and calm classical music, in my rocking chair we would look at each other right in the eyes, while she fed.
I also remember the smell of her baby clothes, and baby lotion and the warm feeling of her tiny hands on my chest. How her eyelids would start slowly closing with the rocking motion and a full belly, happily drifting into sleep.

Many times I could have just put her down in her crib…but I’d hold her longer and rocked her gently some more, just enjoying her small sounds and her baby scent…her tiny hand wrapped around my thumb or index….thinking “I wish I could freeze this moment forever “.

Being a mother can be hard, exhausting, heartbreaking sometimes. Specially when children are young. But every single hug and kiss and word of admiration for you as a mom, cannot be replaced with anything in this world and makes everything worth it.
To see your children grow up into the unique beautiful persons they become and if you are lucky, to see a little bit (or a lot) of yourself in them is a wonderful and beautiful thing.

In my case, with my kids being teenagers now, it has made me remember how tough being a teenager can be: the workloads at school, the friendship troubles, the hormones raging, the feelings of loneliness, the sense of being misunderstood by your parents.
Being a mom -for me- has been about being there for them in these hard times, giving them love, hugs and kisses (if they let me!) always reminding them they are a very important part of our family. And also admiring and appreciating them each in their own very different skills, personalities and needs. And understanding that what makes me happy is not always what makes them happy. (This was a tough one for me.)

This last year, went even faster than the one before, and apparently, with age, we feel time goes by faster, so I am trying hard to appreciate and enjoy every single moment, conversation, joke, meal with them, while I have the opportunity to do so.

The kids and my husband ask me what I want to do for Mothers day, and it is so simple. I just want to be with them. Brunches and flowers and chocolate are nice, but it is my children’s’ smiles, hugs and love and the random help in the kitchen or laundry that makes me feel like a million dollars.

Happy Mothers Day to everyone reading this. To all the moms, you are wonderful just for being a mom! May your kids appreciate you not just on Sunday, but every day you are together!

December 2008

Back to the Blue Kitchen Towels

~ luvchoc71 ~ Leave a comment

Jan 2nd 2024. I commuted down to work at a time of day when my brain was probably not 100% awake. As I drove on a near empty freeway, I realized I had been mostly disconnected form any News Sources for nearly 2 weeks. I took a much needed Holiday break; my siblings came to spend the Holidays along with their families. It had been almost 4 years since we had spent it together. The kids are so much older now; it was nice to see them all interact more leisurely and relaxed, more than half of them teenagers and the rest in their early 20s. No more little kids games or having to entertain them any more. It was just pure fun in a mostly adult environment. It was my very first time hosting Christmas, and I was a bit nervous about the food, the space and even about having too awkward moments between cousins that haven’t seen each other in so long. But it all went perfectly, even considering our food warming tray decided to flop and the delicious Scalloped Potatoes my husband made where served a bit cold.

I enjoyed every minute, listening to all the sounds, the laughs, the silly arguments; I truly felt all the love in the room, among a family that was authentically looking forward to this time together. My parents would by so proud and joyful, taking in what has become of us, of their grandkids. Our house was packed, day and night, and I loved seeing life in every room. All the meals we had together, cooking alongside my brother and sister in law, who stayed at our place. Listening to stories from my nephews and nieces. How they are young now adults dealing with “real life” problems, like bad bosses and coworkers; realizing how hard it is to pay the rent and put bread on the table. I can clearly see how they are so appreciative of what we -as parents- do to provide for them.

We took a road trip after Christmas, and headed to San Francisco. Stopping along the way in Solvang, Monterey, Carmel, San Luis Obispo, and even Big Basin on our way back to the the Sequoias, we experienced different climates and activities from Theme Parks ( I skipped that one), Bicycling, a lot of walking and even touring around SF on the second level of an open deck. We got cold rain on separate occasions, but we didn’t let it change our plans. We were prepared with Waterproof jackets and “Ponchos” provided by the bus company. We pedaled through the Embarcadero and Fisherman’s Wharf with the rain hitting our faces while our pants and shoes got pretty wet, just to get dry with the sun minutes later. Crossing the Gold Gate Bridge on a bike was liberating. I highly recommend it.

Monterey Coast – 17 Mile Drive
Carmel by the Sea – Cute Alley with a Chocolate Shop
View of the coast from the Golden Gate Bridge

New Years Eve was spent at the game room / dinning area of our hotel (Wayfarer San Luis Obispo)- along with other guests sitting by the firepits outside in the hotel’s patios. We had our own fun , playing games just to stay away ’til 12. There were huge screens in the area that could have broadcasted New York’s drop of ball, but later I found out that the person in charge of the screens forgot to tune in the right channel, and instead left us with re-runs of Law and Order. Not that we cared- it was just peculiar. 

By Jan 1st at night, everyone was gone and we were back home. A home that sat empty and quiet with floors that showed evidence of the family gathering of the past 10 days. 

As the 50-something old woman that I am, I had missed my bed and my house, so I slept so soundly that night that I had a hard time switching modes on January 2nd to “commuter-work mode”. So I sat in the car half listening to the news, to “catch up”; but it turned out that there was no catching up. The same repetitive depressing stories inundated my ears once again : Irsael, Hamas, China, Taxes, Trump, Biden, shootings, traffic, bla, bla, bla… The only story I was glad to hear was about Philadelphia’s new mayor, Charelle Parker: a woman, a black women, so a first for Philadelphia on both counts. Good for her. Good for them. Good for us.

Next day, after finishing my work at home, I decided to slowly “put Christmas away”. A sad chore I usually procrastinate on ( like many others), so I decide to do it a little bit at a time. It was time to wash all the Christmas themed kitchen towels, so after taking them to the laundry room, I replaced them with my year round plain blue kitchen towels, which described exactly how I felt: blue. I missed my family: the sounds, the scents , the hugs. As every year, I left one little ceramic Christmas tree out by the stove; the one that stays with me all year, to remind me of family, of Christmas time, of cold nights and warm drinks, of Cozy pajamas. It is now chipped since it is never put away, it is the witness to all our kitchen messes, burnt things, quick wipe downs and also delicious meals, comforting soups and all the experiments I make on the stove as well. Like my husband says, the chips add character. So there it stands. Now I look forward to our next family gathering, hopefully soon… Happy 2024 everyone.